The first iteration of this post just didn’t measure up. Jaym likes to be perceived as at least mildly humorous, instead sounded whiny and maybe a little homicidal. Now, no comments on whether she was either one of those, but the facts stand, North Carolina’s roads would make the greatest mastermind of torture and absurdity jealous. She considers them to be something like a clusterfuck-love-child of drunken dartboard and crack-head underwater basket weaving, or possibly something a little less rational.

See, the roads around here have multiple personalities. Yes, you really were just on Sam Furr. Well, guess what, you are now on Kannapolis… I mean 73… wait, no, Davidson Highway…um… wait, did I turn somewhere and not notice it? No, you are just a victim of the psychopath known as the North Carolina Road “System”. Lighting is too cruel to the signs on these roads, who are well aware of their ignominious position and universally hated assignees, so they crouch in darkness and hide from passerby. A popular hypothesis is that they devloped some sort of magic to camoflauge themselves.

Of course, what horror story would be complete without it being a dark and stormy night? Oh, it was dark alright. Seemed darker to Jaym than usual, but that may have been the drifting fog. Or maybe the sheets of rain. (Now, go figure out what idiot would stick a paper ticket, warning of some unmarked violation, on a car windshield in such rain) There was plenty of water, above and below and possibly inside and in alternate planes as well. Parts of the road were flooding, leading to impromtu surfing lessons, while others waved signs warning of curves that had miraculously straightened themselves out, only to show up, going the opposite direction, about ten miles and three identity changes later.

What frightened Jaym more even than this horror was looking at the map the next day and not being able to find most of the roads that she had traversed on that terrible night. Perhaps they were erased, perhaps she dreamed it, or perhaps… Well, when one will stoop to such depths as the creators of these roads did, who can say what other monstrous things they might have done?

(The non-funny, whiny part of the post) Last night I went to a friend’s housewarming party, one of my few social commitments for the season before I leave for CA. It’s been raining here, flooding a little, so I left plenty of time and drove carefully. Since I’ve also been out from work for a few days and on prescription pain meds, my head hasn’t been very clear. And, I was driving in an area I’ve never been to before.

I got there fine. 3 glasses of alcohol, a few rounds of Rock Band, way too many jokes laden with sexual innuendo, a music video by one of our managers that left us all in hysterics, and watching the eggrolls disappear in a hurry was great.

I don’t usually have trouble getting myself out of places. At most, I’ll be lost for a few turns, and then follow my nose back to familiar territory. It took me about 40 minutes to get there. It took almost an hour and a half to get home.

I defy anyone to make sense of the road “system” around here. Looking at the map is like seeing a pile-up between a dozen drunken dart board games and drugged-up underwater basket weaving. Roads start and end in the middle of no where, one road will flip back and forth between three or four different names, combine with something else, or simply end for a while and suddenly show up again somewhere else. Whoever made these roads must have been terminally dizzy, because everything goes in a meandering circle. Road signs are small, unlit, and literally impossible to read unless you sit and stare at them for a few minutes, if they are there at all. Carolina’s budget deficit isn’t because of road upkeep, that’s for sure.

One section of the road was flooded, which because of the fog, I didn’t see until I hit it. Thank God for a truck and quick reflexes! By the time I got to familiar territory, I could barely drive straight, I’d been focusing so hard on seeing the road!

Bed felt really, really good.

Oh, and I seem to have gotten a ticket for a violation of some sort, except since it was pouring rain, the ticket was illegible, and there were no markings of any sort where I parked, so it beats me what I did!

Oh California, I long for thee!)


8 Responses to “Ugh”

  1. Oh my god Charlotte driving. Don’t even get me started on the corner of Queens, Queens, Queens and Kings.

    • Yeah, if I’d known what this damned place was like, driving wise, I’d never have moved.

      Maybe this will teach me not to move somewhere sight unseen? (doubtful…)

  2. Well Charlotte did have SOME perks while I was living there. For a single guy, Charlotte girls were warm and friendly. REAL FRIENDLY, wink wink nudge nudge.

    Of course, half my meager paycheck went to booze at The Shark Fin.

  3. Yeah, they were kinda of straighter than strait.

    But they looked good, with that southern girl accent. Yum.

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