Duel: Last Legs

A long time ago, we had a duel over at Fifthwind Forums. The theme was ‘Last Legs’. Now, back then, I had some aspirations of figuring out how to write humor. Please note that I no longer hold with such pipe dreams.

Last Legs

“DAMN!! Ok, this really sucks. I spend 1000 gold on you, after the “expert” told me you were the strongest, fastest, most enduring animal in the world. Oh no, your journey won’t be a problem, he could run for a hundred miles! And what do I get? Less than a third of the way into my trip, and the bloody beast is staggering and WHIMPERING!! How the bloody mother of hell does a horse whimper?!? The expert left out the fact that you were trained in theatrical arts as well. Beast could make a living on his acting skills. I mean come on, he CAN’T be dying, not yet! He should hardly be warmed up! Ok, so I don’t know much about horses, but really now, this is just excessively pathetic. I could have walked faster than we are going. No, oh no you don’t! You are not collapsing! I paid a thousand gold coin for you, you can walk a few more steps! I’ve got to get to Flamen this week! And I am NOT leaving you here in the middle of this luscious green cow pasture. I want my money back, and I’m sure with your talents, you would get yourself gored by some two month old heifer! Damn you, WALK! Ok, fine, just lie down. Don’t go anywhere. Die on me. Sure, you are absolutely on your last legs. I understand. But the merchant is taking you back if I have to shove you down his throat! He’s fat enough to do that actually. Well, I’m not leaving you here…”

With that, the man dismounted, removed the bridle and trudged toward town. The horse snorted, looking down at the slowly moving ground. This had worked out pretty well! He reached out and grabbed a mouthful of grass, staring at the milepost announcing that Flamen was two miles away.

“Hey! I’m not carrying you so that you can eat and get heavier!”

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3 Responses to “Duel: Last Legs”

  1. *snickers*

    You know, the humor in this is not bad. I laughed *grins*

    • If I actually manage humor, it is largely an accident, and always completely irreverent.

      This particular one was based on the horses that just will. not. move. And I am depressed to remember how many of those I have known in my life.

  2. Hey it sounds more like you are describing some people I know!

    😉

    Yes it is humorous, in a “I know someone/thing like that” kind of way!

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