The Hair on High

I have red hair. It’s pretty noticeable red hair. Attention-getting red hair.

Most of you know and love The Hair. It has its own fan club, random strangers pet me and tell me how lucky I am.

You want to know the truth about The Hair? The cold, hard truth? Well, here’s a primer on my journey to a shocking hair color.

If a little of something is good, a lot must be better, right?

Since I’m going to ConNooga, I decided to have a lot of ‘better’. I was going to dye my mane fire-engine red. Or, as close as henna will get, which is pretty damn red.

Have I ever mentioned the amount of hair I have? It is long. Wild. Wiry. Bitey.

And henna’s a bitch at the best of times. Basically, it’s mud. I slathered mud on my hair.

Here, have proof:

I kid you not when I say that the henna was so heavy, it dragged my head backwards. Combined with the sheer amount of hair, and…my neck hurts today!

Fast forward an hour or so.

The henna is now the consistency of dried mud. While waiting for it to reach this consistency, I have created the next step of the terror: Conditioner.

Oatmeal, balsamic vinegar, milk, raw egg, an herbal concoction and olive oil. Whisk it in a food processor until it looks like, well, let’s not say what it looks like.


Now, half an hour in the shower. Pretty much looks like a swamp. Pain is involved, as mud is scraped off of scalp. Then the icky, vaguely sweet nasty stuff goes into the hair. That’s a whole new joy. It should be making my hair all soft and silky-smooth, right? Right. At this point, I have oatmeal in places that should never see oatmeal.

Oh, the things I do for my hair. The water runs cold, sooo, out I go.

Another hour for it to dry.

Hnnn. This doesn’t look so red. Maybe it just isn’t dry?

Nope. Still not red.

In fact…this is distinctly not red. Rather brown, in fact. Wait, where did my hair go?!? MY RED HAIR IS GONE!!!

Well, ok, kinda there. But it’s more a dark red-brown now.

Four hours. Four hours of cold, of aching neck, of looking like some alien monster, for this.

I don’t have fire-engine red hair. In fact, I don’t have red hair at all. And it is FLUFFY. Each strand stands on its own. What happened to that conditioning stuff?!

People asked about it, today. They expressed sympathy.

Kids, I know you love The Hair. But this is the shit I put up with. I love it, I pamper it, and it drags me into an alley and skins me alive. Best bet? Brush it frequently. Ignore it, for the most part. Tie it up or leave it completely loose. Allow people to compliment it.

Most of all, never, EVER show it that you care.

Hmmm, sounds suspiciously like my heart, in fact.

Take that one as you please.


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