I wrote this a long time ago, in response to a particularly annoying troll we had. It is tongue-in-cheek, I promise.


About Me: Hi, I’m a writer. A good one. Very good actually, now that I think about it.

Care Instructions to keep your pet healthy and happy: Please extol my greatness at least once a day, and be sure to tell me that my work is perfect as it is, with no need for editing or proofreading. I’m quiet most of the day, with occasional fits where I just can’t stop talking about my work, my life-experience, and how great I am.

Special Tricks: I’ve been published online, and every editor worth talking to has told me how great my writing is. The ones that told me it wasn’t good enough were just jealous idiots who don’t have a life and will always just dream of being a REAL WRITER. I don’t need anyone else, but it’s always nice to have someone to brag to whenever I’m feeling full of myself.
Ignore the people who say I’m an arrogant fool who will never advance in the field because I won’t take criticism. They’re just jealous.

Final Command: So please adopt me as your pet, because you need someone’s ass to kiss, and an ego to feed (not your own of course, you’re just a jealous, worthless wannabe).

Price on request, willing to negotiate for an online publication or mention in your latest quota-filling anthology.


2 Responses to “Adopt-A-Writer”

  1. Where did you find this one?

    • Jaym Gates Says:

      I archive all of the fiction that I post on forums. Dug this one out of old files and polished it up.

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