Chaos

Why do I push myself to collapse, avoid sleep, take on ridiculous amounts of work, and surround myself–constantly–with heart-pounding music and stimulation?

Because, if I don’t, if I rest or relax or stop stuffing my mind full of everything I can, then I have nights like tonight. Four songs pounding through my memory–simultaneously, with words and music perfectly clear–on totally different beats, at that. I have to multitask, run specific patterns to keep things from tightening and winding into a high-tension spool.

And that’s only one of the things that will happen. Intentional madness is better than unintentional.

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3 Responses to “Chaos”

  1. Sounds rather like keeping one’s friends close and one’s enemies closer. I have a similar workaholic, constant involvement in tasks, tendency. The weight of the past can loom large in the soul–especially when that past made very little sense and often feels impossible to describe. I alternate between losing myself in the much better present and taking the time to let myself be haunted by what lies on the edge of memory, trying to make sense of what was neither good nor sane.

    All of which is why I find writing so wonderful: somewhere in the slip between Then and Now, something worthwhile blooms on the page.

    Burn bright and true, but don’t burn out–keep the flame alive whether as a bonfire maelstrom or a beeswax candle light.

  2. Jaym,

    Wow. Have you experimented with transcendental meditation? Sounds like you have quite the “mental storm” going there. Meditation is a great way to “calm the storm”…and far better than going until you burn out.

    • Jaym Gates Says:

      I do meditate, but I’m bad at remembering. I use quite a few mental tricks of the trade to keep where I am. It isn’t ideal, but it’s a holding pattern.

      I am not so formal as to have a clue whether I do transcendental, however. If you want to expand…

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